Categories
Therapy

I don’t know how to do therapy

I am seeing a new therapist. I picked her because she has experience treating patients who have experienced trauma. At my first appointment, I told her at the very end of the session that I want to delve into the past because it affects me still. It took me the whole time to get up the nerve to say that.

So, I go in today and talk about my husband, kids, dog, work, anxiety level. Everything is okay. I ran out of things to talk about so I left early. The problem is, there is more, .i just don’t know how to spit it out. I guess I can tell her that next time. Maybe, it will take me a bit longer to get comfortable.

I am going to try to write down things when they come to me and bring that.

Categories
colors

Being Green

Continuing with the alphabet with my favorite color Green. It makes think of nature-trees, plants, moss, even frogs. I find it a peaceful color.

Categories
family Uncategorized

I value my Family

Continuing the alphabet game with the letter F.

I have issues with my family of origin, but my little family (husband and 2 children + our dog) is very important to me. Thankfully, we are all doing well.

I worried about how having a mental illness would affect my children, but they are grown now and are great people.  I grew up in fear and I am so happy they are not afraid of me.

Categories
energy

Energy

I wish I had more energy. I try to make the most of it when I do. Usually, I am fatigued. I have sleep apnea, which is helped by a dental appliance but I don’t feel rested in the morning. I also take a number of medications, including an antipsychotic. The ones I tried have all been sedating.

If I don’t drink coffee, I stay in bed all day. I take a medicine called provigil that is supposed to increase alertness. It helps, but not enough on its own.

Categories
alphabet game Uncategorized

D is for Dog

Raider, my walking antidepressant helps keep me sane.  He needs walks so I have to get out. He is someone to come home to until the rest of my family gets here. He follows me around, wants to be in the same room as me. He is cuddly and cute.

He has his own issues and anxiety. I am doing “mat work” so he has a place to go to and calm down and it is portable.  I have to point for him to remember where to go. We will get there. He is doing good with loose leash walking and “look at me”.  I don’t mind if he walks in front, but his trainer said pulling increases his cortisol, so I am getting him not to pull, mostly. And, his big issue is he growls when he has a special treat if you get near him. We are working on drop it and eventually leave it. He is doing awesome with that.

 

6BEEDE19-709E-4A77-B8F2-CB8F7005CEE5

Categories
Therapy trauma

Trauma Llama ding-dong

I had an emotionally-psychologically abusive childhood. I am in a good place now, physically and mentally. My family, husband and children are wonderful. I feel safe when I am home.

I am seeing a new therapist. I have had one appointment. It went well. She has experience with trauma, that is why I sought her out. My childhood experiences negatively affect me today. I mentioned that I would like to work on that as one goal. I am nervous that it will be difficult but also looking forward to breaking free of some of these memories and thoughts that haunt me.

I just read @lavenderandlevity blog which is awesome and you should check it out. She mentioned the fear of going back to that hell. My main abuser has passed away and there is no way to crawl back if I needed. But, everyone seems to have forgot what it was like and have moved on. They praised him at his funeral. A man who thrived on breaking young wills. I did return to live there a few times during my adult life. It took it’s toll on me every time.

I do wonder, if it was possible, if I would choose to forget it all. I can’t. I have so many pent up emotions. I don’t know if they can hurt me anymore, but I don’t want to risk it.

Categories
Uncategorized

Caution

Caution is my word for today. I am a nervous wreck a lot of the time and would say I am cautious approaching new things. Being careful has it’s upsides but there are times I miss out due to my fears.

Categories
Uncategorized

B is for Belonging

I struggle with feeling like I belong anywhere. My favorite times have been when I felt included in a group and not ignored. At work, often I am not included in potlucks or parties. Maybe it is because I work part time and people don’t know me well.  I don’t mind.

I do wish I had just one person to be friends with. Everyone is friendly to me but I have no one to talk with.

 

Categories
Uncategorized

Alphabet game

I love this idea by Janet “endless rivers” https://endless-rivers.com/2019/08/26/the-alphabet-game/

I have not written anything lately and this may help me get back to it.

I will be going through the alphabet, starting with A, writing about things I like or experience. Feel free to join in but please credit endless rivers for the idea.

Ambivalence this is a feeling I am constantly getting caught up in. Should I, or shouldn’t I? My most recent was/is with alcohol. Do I want to abstain or try moderation? I have really cut back, but right now am focused on harm reduction and not drinking excessively or when I will be driving.

That is it for now. Stay tuned for more of the game