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Inner demons mental illness Responsibility schizoaffective schizophrenia Therapy Uncategorized

Inner Demons

I have shame about past behavior. I am not ready to disclose to anyone. I have a therapist but am not able to tell. I won’t repeat or get in that situation again.

I don’t know if any or all is related to mental illness. Probably some

I lied, sometimes for no reason. I did not ask for help when I was in over my head, for fear. I am not sure why I was afraid.

I regret things that happened 20 years or more ago. But I re-live it like it is today.

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alphabet game Uncategorized zero

My Hero Zero

I grew up with schoolhouse rock. I am ending the alphabet game with Zero (my hero)

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alphabet game Uncategorized Yippee

Yippee!

I am almost done with the alphabet game

source

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alphabet game Xanthine

Xanthines

It was hard to come up with a word that starts with X. I like xylophones, I guess.

I decided to go with a chemical compound called a xanthine. Different products come from xanthines like: caffeine, theobromine (found in chocolate) and theophylline (a bronchodilator).

I have an issue with fatigue. I take some medications that are sedating, I have sleep apnea. I don’t know if there is more to it. I wear an appliance and sleep on my side and sleep better, but it is not enough.

I am dependent on caffeine. If I don’t drink coffee in the morning, I can barely leave my bed. So, I drink my coffee and also take a medication called modafinil (it is a mild stimulant used for narcolepsy, shift work, and sleep apnea), and, I can function.

I also like chocolate

I am grateful for Xanthines.

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7 wonders of the world alphabet game Lee Ann Womack Uncategorized Wonder

Never lose your sense of Wonder

It was hard to choose a W word. I thought of water or wisdom, but am going with Wonder.

I am in awe of nature and it’s many wonders. I am curious and wonder about many things.

I have never seen any of the 7 Wonders of the world

(The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World : Great Pyramid of Giza, Hanging Gardens of Babylon, Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, Statue of Zeus at Olympia, Mausoleum at Halicarnassus (also known as the Mausoleum of Mausolus), Colossus of Rhodes, and the Lighthouse of Alexandria)

 

dog-647528_640

Image by Pezibear from Pixabay

I am not much for dancing but I like the idea behind this song.

I Hope You Dance
Lee Ann Womack
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(If you are new to my blog, I was inspired by the blog of by Janet “endless rivers” https://endless-rivers.com/2019/08/26/the-alphabet-game/  to go through the alphabet writing about various words. )
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alphabet game vote

V is for Vote

I was thinking of writing about Valentines Day, but I don’t have much to say. We don’t really celebrate and I know people can feel they are missing out if they are not in a relationship.

I am in the US and we have a variety of Presidential candidates. There were 20 names on my ballot. (Some have dropped out), it is important to vote so our government represents us, Not everyone is able to vote. They can’t miss work, need an id, can’t get to the polls, etc. If you can, vote. Primary dates vary by state, mine is March 3.

They have made it easy in my County. They mailed ballots you can return by mail or drop off. There are a number of voting days if you choose to go to the polls and you can go to any polling place in the county. No id required. I have already voted.

I worry about the integrity of our elections. We have machines that can malfunction, foreign interference, gerrymandering, voter suppression. I thought hand marked ballots were the answer, but that is not accessible to everyone.

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alphabet game unconditional

Unconditional

Growing up, it seemed like most things came with strings attached. I was acceptable as long as I behaved well. If you borrowed money, you were indebted forever and constantly reminded.

It was not until I got married that I felt unconditional love. My husband did not react unkindly if I made a mistake. It was okay to be human. No one was keeping score. Then, when I had children, I felt it again. And of course, my dog loves me and is always happy to see me,

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alphabet game Tagline Uncategorized

T is for tagline

What would an Orange County housewife be without a tagline. I am a Bravo TV fan and watch the housewife shows.

I am having trouble coming up with anything original. There are a few quotes I like.

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”

Camus

or

“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most”

Mark Twain

 

Maybe something along the lines of:

Schizoaffective disorder does not define me, but it has a strong presence in everything I do.

 

Categories
alphabet game bipolar schizoaffective schizophrenia

Schizoaffective Disorder

I was not sure what to choose for an “S” word, but this disorder affects my whole life. Also, most people have never heard of it.

Schizoaffective is basically a combination of a thought disorder, like schizophrenia and a mood disorder, like bipolar. There is controversy about the diagnosis. It can resemble bipolar with psychotic features except you have weeks of psychotic symptoms while not in a mood state (manic or depressed). Or, it can seem like schizophrenia with depression. There are 2 types, bipolar type and depressive type. I have the bipolar type and have had mania.

I had years of psychotic symptoms, it was either a long episode with periods of insight and lucidity, or a number of relapses. It all is rolled together in my mind. But, once I got on a good medication cocktail (I take several types), I have not had the severe symptoms. Now, I am more troubled by fatigue, anxiety and milder depressions.

Prognosis varies. I am married, have children, work part time. I had a psychotic break at 39. I know nothing about dating with a diagnosis or pregnancy and psych meds. Mental illnesses can be hard on marriages. We were married for 7 years before I was diagnosed. Fortunately, my husband is supportive and understanding.

I see a psychiatrist, a therapist, and go to a support group for mood disorders. Some good resources can be found through the National Alliance for Mental Illness NAMI.org and depression and bipolar support alliance dbsa.org.

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alphabet game reliable

Reliable

It sounds boring and predictable, but I am reliable. If I make a commitment, I stick to it. This has not always been the case. I used to get anxious and back out of things. I was seen as flakey.

I don’t like surprises. I am not spontaneous.

“spontaneity has it’s time and place” – Sure Thing