I have stopped going to AA meetings. I felt pressured to attend meetings and pray daily. I am not religious and I did not find that part helpful. There are things I gained. I don’t think I would have stayed sober this long without starting with AA. The accountability was helpful.
I belong to a couple of Facebook pages. Secular AA, Moderation Management and HAMs. (Harm Reduction, Abstinence and Moderation). We are called HAMsters. I am leaning towards trying to moderate drinking to about two times a year. We are going out of town over my birthday. Someone gave us a bottle of champagne and I plan to have some. Then I plan to go alcohol free until our wedding anniversary in October.
My therapist warned me it is a “slippery slope” and how do I not know I won’t go back to drinking more often. And, that I plan to drink because we have champagne makes no sense to her. I feel like if I have a plan, I can stick with it. And, that AA is not the program for me because I want to be able to drink occasionally, like twice a year. I won’t be alone. I won’t be driving.
I had therapy, virtual, on Wednesday. I went over what was going on in the present. Then my therapist started asking questions about when I was school age. Jr high and high school were not the best years of my life. I had a friend drop me in 8th grade to hang out with more popular friends. I had a boyfriend in high school who was very critical and was sometimes mean.
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My home life was horrific. My father had an undiagnosed, but quite obvious in hindsight, mental illness and my brother had a severe psychotic disorder. He was nice, just a bit scary to me. Everything was unpredictable. My dad would be fine one day and raging the next. I could not deal with being there so I spent most of my time out, with friends, drinking alcohol or smoking weed. I was very sad, and quiet.
After answering her questions she asked for my thoughts and I said they are discombobulated. I don’t know what to think. So, she told me to write down my discombobulated thoughts when they come to me. She used my own words but I don’t what she wants. I am going to email mon.
She gave me other homework. To write what you can gain from AA, without spirituality. That is easier for me. I belong to a secular AA Facebook group. I tried one meeting but I felt out of place and have not looked at others. I did think the accountability and recognition for time sober helped me. I have not gone to meetings lately but I am staying sober,
I have had problems with the spirituality part of AA. I am not religious and don’t feel comfortable praying. I am okay with the Serenity Prayer at meetings, but don’t usually pray on my own. I also started getting busier in my life.
I started a new job this month and am also starting the ketogenic diet. It is fewer days, but 8 hr shifts so I have to plan lunch. I have been bringing nuts and cheese and making it more of a break. So far that is working well. But, I do have to think more about meals and planning until I get keto down.
I have lost 10 lbs in a month, which is great for me, but the main reason I am doing the diet is for type 2 diabetes. When I stick to the plan, 30 g total carbs moderate protein and fats to satiate I am good, but the store bought “keto” products that go by net carbs, not counting sugar alcohols and fiber, still raise my blood sugar a little. It is still better than when I started.
I am in a program through my insurance called Virta. They provide me with supplies, a health coach, a dr and a forum. I report weight, glucose and blood ketones daily. At first the additional fat in my diet upset my stomach, but I think I have adjusted. My sister started when I told her how well it worked for my blood sugar, so I have someone to talk about keto. It is a huge change for me. I am a big fruit and sweets eater but I don’t get many cravings and rarely feel hungry.
The job is going well. I am a peer advocate in mental health crisis stabilization unit. Basically, a mental health urgent care. We just opened and it has been quiet, sometimes they send me home early because I have nothing to do, I have been making a binder of resources, I will be providing therapeutic communication when we have patients, so far, I have only been there with one patient who was not very talkative.
As far as AA, I had cut way back in going to meetings because of things going on in my life. My sponsor suggested I go to more meetings and pray every morning and evening. I thought about it and decided to take a break from it all. I can meditate but I don’t want to pray every day and I felt pressured about going to meetings, I have not been drinking. I just don’t know if it is the right program for me.
I went to a zoom AA meeting and someone said that you don’t try to control things that are already under control. That was what I needed to hear.
I had all of these rules and thought my drinking was under control because: I didn’t drink and drive, I only drank in the evening, I got chores done before drinking, although I was pushing even those limits.
But, normal people just need one rule. Don’t drink too much.
I listed in a previous post how my life was unmanageable. I have to refer back to it to remind myself. I still have cravings even though I logically have decided I don’t want to continue drinking. I just remind myself of reasons I don’t want to drink.
I have schizoaffective disorder and I don’t want to interfere with stability, and alcohol does not play well with my medications. And, I am not very productive at home if I am drinking. Also, I think I was walking around with a mild hangover. My head feels more clear, I feel lighter now.
I heard someone say their higher power comes to them through meditation. That is something I can believe in. Some kind of intuition, or inner wisdom. I can’t define my higher power. I don’t think I have to. I am finished with step 2. My sponsor has me reading stories from the Big Book. We go over them once a week.
I have bought a kindle version and paperback of the Big Book. Neither of them match pages with the hardback, I am debating getting another copy. The kindle is convenient because I can take it anywhere easily, but it is a totally different version. Different stories. The paperback has the same content, just different page numbers.
My mood has improved. I just had some sad days. I guess everyone does.
I noticed it in the tone of my texts. I am insignificant I told a friend. Another friend asked me to be on a podcast. At first I said yes, but now I am having second thoughts. No one would be interested in anything I have to say
My husband held me, the dog licked me and my son texted he loves me. I can’t feel it. I just feel sad
I have schizoaffective disorder and take antidepressants and an antipsychotic.
Maybe it is a response to sobriety? I am not going to drink I will probably try to get sleep instead
I have been thinking of a higher power and talking with people and now I don’t know what to think. My sponsor says all I have to do is believe something, anything, outside of myself could, possibly restore me to sanity. That I can do, but choosing what to believe in is more complicated. I have trouble believing in a man in the sky. I started with the Universe or nature. I feel more connected with the world outdoors. But, I don’t know how the Universe could help me. They say you can have the fellowship of AA as your higher power but I don’t know about turning my will over to the group
I talked to.my therapist about my issue with psychosis and she reassured me that it is unlikely I will start getting delusional. It has been 15 years since my last psychotic episode. She thinks my issue is with religion I am getting support and staying sober. I don’t like going to meetings every day and calling my sponsor everyday. My therapist thought maybe I should cut back but do something with that time I have trouble expressing what I want. My sponsor said I don’t have to do anything and that they are suggestions.
The meeting tonight was on step 2 and our higher power. People spoke about their faith or issues with religion. One woman said she can’t define her higher power but it helps her. I have been reading “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle. In the book she listens to an inner wisdom that she calls God. I know my inner voice could help me, but that is not something outside of myself.
My friend does not think I have a problem and should not identify with an illness. That gets me wondering if I really need something outside to restore me. Is that something you can do on your own? I think my mind is shattered in a way and I have been searching for someone/ something to repair it.
So far I am staying with AA because it is not hurting anything and I am sober
The Universe is my higher power. I am tasked with describing how the Universe can help me. I had a point where I was seeing messages everywhere. I thought my therapist was suggesting things and guiding me by controlling the media and my environment. I imagine the Universe could guide me, but how do I trust it is not a delusion
ETA: I spoke with my sponsor about my concerns. She told me to stop for now.
My sponsor has me send her a gratitude list. Five things I am grateful for every day, except when I forget. I have so much to be grateful for. My family, our dog, a home, food, furniture, our health and my sobriety, I am grateful my sponsor is understanding. I feel like my thinking is clearer. I have not had any other changes since stopping drinking that I have noticed.
I have moved onto Step 2. We read about agnostics and spiritual experiences in the big book. She gave me an assignment but I will have to think about it. I am not religious so she had me choose a higher power. I chose the Universe. She wants me to write about how the Universe can help me. I don’t know. I will blog once I figure out what to write.
Today is Thanksgiving. I was invited to a relative’s but I have a cold, and my daughter wants to stay safe from Covid so we stayed home. I went to an AA meeting about gratitude by zoom. I am grateful for zoom meetings.I missed everyone but hopefully we can see them sometime soon.
I made it past 30 days of sobriety. My sponsor mailed me a chip. It says 1 month on the front and the serenity prayer on the back. I just see her on zoom or talk over the phone because of Covid-19. I am still working on the first step. I wrote down reasons I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable in my last post.
Everything I wrote is true, but I still have trouble. I identify as an alcoholic in the meeting, but I don’t completely agree. They say all you need to join is a desire to quit drinking, which I do. So, I am part of AA day by day. Today I will go to a meeting and call my sponsor. I won’t worry about tomorrow until it gets here.
Stronger Than You Think 