How to Talk to a Person: my response to how to talk to people with X disorder

You have seen the articles. How to talk to a schizophrenic or how to deal with someone with borderline personality disorder as examples.

I am not saying they do not have useful observations. After all, these are published by practitioners with much experience. Having contracts in a therapy relationship and firm boundaries is normal. Controlling your partner is not.

I just read such an article by Nancy Carbone, a couples therapist in Australia. It is a year old and I don’t mean to point a finger at her, it is just an example. I don’t happen to have a BPD diagnosis. I do not like articles on how to deal with other types of people, clumping us all together.

The first thing you should do, if you want to communicate with people is learn active listening and other communication skills. Maybe, if you pay attention to what you may consider nonsense, you will see there is more there.

If the articles on schizophrenia were about actually trying to communicate, like writing the key points down if the person is distracted by voices, I would not dislike these articles so much. That is not what these are about, though. It is “tough love” or I know what is better for you. It is about dealing with someone who is flawed and somehow that makes you superior.

I welcome comments. Sometimes I have knee jerk reactions and if I am off-base I want to know.

Mental Health Conference

i went to a conference today. There were 32 workshops..

the first i went to was on Borderline Personality Disorder. It was very informative and i learned a lot.  The next was on support groups, that was good. There were a number of organizations represented.

the last one i went to was “ask the doctors” on schizophrenia. It was an open forum for people to comment, and ask questions. There were suggested questions on the screen.

one of the questions was, “what has worked for you?”  I would have loved to hear the answers to that one.

one thing that worked for me, was talking to people with similar experiences, either on-line or in person. I went to dbsa support groups, nami connections and eventually started a group affiliated with the national organization, schizophrenia alliance. I don’t run the group anymore, but i am glad it is still going.

another thing, that is a little different, was when i was very troubled with auditory hallucinations, my psychiatrist found a way to communicate. He wrote words while he spoke, circling and crossing out important words.

no, one had asked what my experience was like when i had a psychotic break. They asked about symptoms, but not what were the voices saying or what the messages were. Not until i saw a therapist who seemed interested. It felt lke a relief to be able to tell my story.

i would love if anyone would share what has helped them

 

 

The Abyss

I won’t pretend to know what Nietzsche meant by “the abyss gazes into you”. The quote came to mind as I feel like I am at the edge of an abyss, gazing into the void. I feel empty. I am ashamed of who I am. If people knew who I really am they would turn away in disgust. I want to disappear. 

I spoke of how sad I am. How I feel I have done terrible wrongs and should be banished, at a support group for mood disorders. The moderator talked about dbt and eventually got around to mindfulness. I have been trying that, but there are too many thoughts. It is hard to focus. Then he mentioned that my self-deprecating thoughts could be a symptom of borderline personality disorder.

That would have been fine, if he had a basis to suggest that, but he just pulled it out if thin air. I went home looking at the symptoms and anxious to talk to my therapist. I was a little anxious going in and very agitated by the end of the meeting. I had trouble getting any words in, it felt like a competition to speak.

I texted my therapist this morning and she wondered why he would have suggested that. She said my thoughts could go along with a number of diagnoses, including depression. And, I am depressed.

I usually find the meetings helpful, but lately I have been leaving feeling worse than when I came.

I get up and face my obligations, but I feel like hiding. “Fake it till you make it.” I never really liked that expression, but I am doing it.

If you got this far, thank you

tl:dr Depression makes everything worse

A pause from automatic thinking

My husband was grumpy and moody over the weekend. I automatically go to being a frightened child thinking I did something wrong and am 100% to blame. That I am guilty and have to fix things.

I started assuming what could be wrong. I thought maybe he was resentful about housework, so I took care of some chores. As time went on, I wondered how to talk with him.

I didn’t want to be confrontational. When I asked if he was mad he would deflect it with a joke.

Finally, when we both had free time in the evening i asked to speak with him. He seemed like he was ready to defend himself. But, I just said “You seem unhappy. Is something bothering you?” I did it! I could talk like an adult and not cower down.

He says he is just a grumpy old man and not unhappy. Nothing is bothering him. He seems sincere.

So, presto, problem solved- I guess. I was worrying about nothing it seems.

Perpetual Patients

I  don’t know if I do this. It is easier to recognize in others. Every bad day is depression, any agitation is mania. They tell you every morning how many hours they slept the night before.

A friend was telling me much of what people think are mood swings have to do with distress tolerance and has more to do with therapy than medication. Specifically DIaletical Behavioral Therapy(DBT).

I don’t know if that is correct. I don’t think everyone that rapid cycles really has a personality disorder. That was what he seemed to be eluding to. But, if you can’t get mood swings under control and you can get into a DBT program that could be an option.

I want to be well and in recovery. I know I can relapse, but I try not to worry. The longer I go without psychotic symptoms, the more assured I get that it will stay this way. I get some minor dips. They don’t seem like they will end, but they do.

My major issue is anxiety. I have made great progress. At one point, I would just go to work and come home. I would shop at night and avoid people. Now, I work with people and even do some public speaking (I am not a good speaker, but I do it).

I think if you spend too much time focusing on possible symptoms you miss out on  what is around you.