My therapist decided that I am doing well enough and run out of things to say, so he will see me as needed. I was feeling down earlier this month and he was able to give me a phone appointment. I had an epiphany of sorts, maybe obvious to others but it struck me.
I was raised that you were valued for performance/achievements. So, any time I feel I did an inadequate job I think I am bad/worthless. So, little things can spiral me into depression.
I emailed that to my therapist and this is what he wrote back:
” do two things:
first, list the values you would choose to measure your life by then how you see yourself adhering to it…..
second, would you use the same standards that you grew up with to measure your children’s worth or value…..
write this out…..
lastly keep the things you have written out to re read anytime you begin to experience these thoughts….. and shame that comes with it”
There is no time limit since I don’t have another appointment set, but I have started thinking about it.
I went to a journaling group on zoom last night. Everyone has some kind of illness so I can talk about mental health and it is not weird,
They have different prompts and you choose one and write for 10 minutes, then you can share. I usually share,
The prompt I chose was fighting your metaphorical dragon.
This is it, It is really rough but I like the imagery.
The dragon in my life is negative core beliefs. I was raised to believe that how you performed was related to your worth. Whenever I think I did an inadequate job, I think I am a failure and worthless, I fall into a pit rapidly.
To fight my dragon, I would face him head on at first. I would yell and stab at him to get my anger out.
Then I would turn away in disbelief. The dragon is not real, but I am keeping his image alive. When I stop believing he will get smaller and smaller until he disappears.
I will rejoice and not miss him when he is gone.