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12 step AA hams harm reduction moderation peer support sobriety Uncategorized

Slippery Slope

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I have stopped going to AA meetings.  I felt pressured to attend meetings and pray daily.  I am not religious and I did not find that part helpful.  There are things I gained.  I don’t think I would have stayed sober this long without starting with AA.  The accountability was helpful.

I belong to a couple of Facebook pages. Secular AA, Moderation Management and HAMs. (Harm Reduction, Abstinence and Moderation). We are called HAMsters. I am leaning towards trying to moderate drinking to about two times a year. We are going out of town over my birthday. Someone gave us a bottle of champagne and I plan to have some. Then I plan to go alcohol free until our wedding anniversary in October.

My therapist warned me it is a “slippery slope” and how do I not know I won’t go back to drinking more often. And, that I plan to drink because we have champagne makes no sense to her.  I feel like if I have a plan, I can stick with it.  And, that AA is not the program for me because I want to be able to drink occasionally, like twice a year.  I won’t be alone.  I won’t be driving.

Am I just asking for trouble?

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12 step AA alcoholism career Co-occurring keto mental health mental illness peer support sobriety

Taking a Break From AA

Virta supplies

I have had problems with the spirituality part of AA.  I am not religious and don’t feel comfortable praying.  I am okay with the Serenity Prayer at meetings, but don’t usually pray on my own.  I also started getting busier in my life. 

I started a new job this month and am also starting the ketogenic diet. It is fewer days, but 8 hr shifts so I have to plan lunch. I have been bringing nuts and cheese and making it more of a break. So far that is working well. But, I do have to think more about meals and planning until I get keto down.

I have lost 10 lbs in a month, which is great for me, but the main reason I am doing the diet is for type 2 diabetes. When I stick to the plan, 30 g total carbs moderate protein and fats to satiate I am good, but the store bought “keto” products that go by net carbs, not counting sugar alcohols and fiber, still raise my blood sugar a little. It is still better than when I started.

I am in a program through my insurance called Virta.  They provide me with supplies, a health coach, a dr and a forum.  I report weight, glucose and blood ketones daily.  At first the additional fat in my diet upset my stomach, but I think I have adjusted.  My sister started when I told her how well it worked for my blood sugar, so I have someone to talk about keto.  It is a huge change for me. I am a big fruit and sweets eater but I don’t get many cravings and rarely feel hungry.

The job is going well. I am a peer advocate in mental health crisis stabilization unit. Basically, a mental health urgent care.  We just opened and it has been quiet,  sometimes they send me home early because I have nothing to do,  I have been making a binder of resources,  I will be providing therapeutic communication when we have patients,  so far, I have only been there with one patient who was not very talkative.

As far as AA, I had cut way back in going to meetings because of things going on in my life. My sponsor suggested I go to more meetings and pray every morning and evening. I thought about it and decided to take a break from it all. I can meditate but I don’t want to pray every day and I felt pressured about going to meetings, I have not been drinking. I just don’t know if it is the right program for me.

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12 step AA alcoholism mental health mental illness schizoaffective schizophrenia sobriety Uncategorized

Hearing What I Needed to Hear

90 days sober!

I went to a zoom AA meeting and someone said that you don’t try to control things that are already under control.  That was what I needed to hear.

I had all of these rules and thought my drinking was under control because: I didn’t drink and drive, I only drank in the evening, I got chores done before drinking, although I was pushing even those limits.

But, normal people just need one rule. Don’t drink too much.

I listed in a previous post how my life was unmanageable. I have to refer back to it to remind myself. I still have cravings even though I logically have decided I don’t want to continue drinking. I just remind myself of reasons I don’t want to drink.

I have schizoaffective disorder and I don’t want to interfere with stability, and alcohol does not play well with my medications. And, I am not very productive at home if I am drinking. Also, I think I was walking around with a mild hangover. My head feels more clear, I feel lighter now.

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12 step AA alcoholism higher power sobriety

60 Days

I made it to 60 days sober. 

I heard someone say their higher power comes to them through meditation.  That is something I can believe in.  Some kind of intuition, or inner wisdom.  I can’t define my higher power.  I don’t think I have to.  I am finished with step 2.  My sponsor has me reading stories from the Big Book.  We go over them once a week.

I have bought a kindle version and paperback of the Big Book.  Neither of them match pages with the hardback,  I am debating getting another copy. The kindle is convenient because I can take it anywhere easily, but it is a totally different version.  Different stories.  The paperback has the same content, just different page numbers.

My mood has improved. I just had some sad days. I guess everyone does.

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12 step AA alcoholism depression Dual diagnosis mental health mental illness schizoaffective schizophrenia sobriety

Moods and Sobriety?

I noticed it in the tone of my texts. I am insignificant I told a friend. Another friend asked me to be on a podcast. At first I said yes, but now I am having second thoughts. No one would be interested in anything I have to say

My husband held me, the dog licked me and my son texted he loves me. I can’t feel it. I just feel sad 

I have schizoaffective disorder and take antidepressants and an antipsychotic.

Maybe it is a response to sobriety?  I am not going to drink  I will probably try to get sleep instead

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12 step AA alcoholism mental health mental illness Recovery sobriety Uncategorized

Gratitude

My sponsor has me send her a gratitude list. Five things I am grateful for every day, except when I forget. I have so much to be grateful for. My family, our dog, a home, food, furniture, our health and my sobriety, I am grateful my sponsor is understanding. I feel like my thinking is clearer. I have not had any other changes since stopping drinking that I have noticed.

I have moved onto Step 2. We read about agnostics and spiritual experiences in the big book.  She gave me an assignment but I will have to think about it.  I am not religious so she had me choose a higher power. I chose the Universe.  She wants me to write about how the Universe can help me.  I don’t know.  I will blog once I figure out what to write.

Today is Thanksgiving. I was invited to a relative’s but I have a cold, and my daughter wants to stay safe from Covid so we stayed home. I went to an AA meeting about gratitude by zoom. I am grateful for zoom meetings.I missed everyone but hopefully we can see them sometime soon.

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12 step AA alcoholism Recovery sobriety Uncategorized

1 day at a time

I made it past 30 days of sobriety. My sponsor mailed me a chip. It says 1 month on the front and the serenity prayer on the back. I just see her on zoom or talk over the phone because of Covid-19. I am still working on the first step. I wrote down reasons I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable in my last post.

Everything I wrote is true, but I still have trouble. I identify as an alcoholic in the meeting, but I don’t completely agree. They say all you need to join is a desire to quit drinking, which I do. So, I am part of AA day by day. Today I will go to a meeting and call my sponsor. I won’t worry about tomorrow until it gets here.