Still testing positive. A faint line is still positive. I come out of isolation Friday. It is sooo boring just hanging out in my room. Thankfully, my husband and daughter are still negative.
I gave a month notice at work but now I have 2 weeks. 2 weeks to get what I can done. I feel like it is all piling up.while I lsu here, bored
I was offered some volunteer opportunities. One was volunteering at a resource center. I did that years ago. But I am not interested in the commute. So, I said no. The other is facilitating a support group live or over zoom. I think zoom might be easier with my hearing loss. I am not sure. I know I don’t want to be obligated every week. I am going to talk to someone soon.
Image: positive Covid test 2 lines Control and Test
My son works at a boy scout overnight camp but they had the week of the 4th off. He came in contact with someone with Covid, eventually testing positive and isolated here. He was cleared to go back to work wed night, but left me testing positive. I have been isolating since Tuesday. So far my husband and daughter are negative. She is taking a PCR test today. Husband is doing a rapid test tomorrow.
My Dr prescribed an antiviral Paxlovid because I have diabetes. It leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. I have been eating and drinking fluids but have lost a couple of lbs. I am overweight so that is fine. I test tomorrow. If it is negative I go back to work on mon. I can come out of isolation but have to wear a mask for 5 more days. If it is positive I isolate for 5 more days. Feel like a groundhog, if it sees it’s shadow 5 more days of Covid.
I was very congested but that has cleared up. I still sometimes have coughing fits. No fever. The isolating is worse than the illness. I am bored and lonely. The dog keeps me company.
I gave a month notice at my work on 7/5. My last day is Aug 2. I am having issues hearing, even with hearing aids. They could probably accommodate somehow, but I feel like it is time. I have been offered some volunteer opportunities with DBSA that I am considering. One is working in an office but I really don’t want to commute and there is facilitating live or online. I might share one of the facilitating roles. No rush to decide.
I tried hosting a session on sharewell, sharewellnow.com, a site for peer support. My session was supposed to be on coping with psychosis and/or mood disorders, but no one came so it was cancelled. I am going to try another session sun 6/26 on Coping with Social Anxiety. Hopefully, someone will come. https://sharewellnow.com/session/c7aba3cd-0dcb-44d5-b36a-1ed85d28eefe
I went to visit my sister in Boston for a week. It was fun. We saw some historic sites, had great meals, and just hung out. I talk with her all of the time, but it is different being in person. I actually adjusted to the time change, 3 hrs, pretty well. It was a direct flight which made it easy. I know nothing about flying, forget to take out my ipad from luggage at security point and take off shoes. I couldn’t figure out how to stream video. I slept, looked out the window and waited. I had rides to and from airport that went smoothly.
I am having more insurance issues. My therapist from last year emailed me that she did not get reimbursed. She is billing the wrong insurance company. I explained that and that I am stressed with the new insurance company. She was nice about it, said she will not bill me and will get back to me.Speaking of insurance, I have to have a root canal and don’t know how much will be covered, I am seeing an endodontist.
I posted on Reddit that I am frustrated with my hearing loss. I turn up my hearing aids but still have trouble understanding speech, an audiologist replied that I should not be turning them up and should wear them often. I am wearing them around the house today and I can hear. I will see how it goes at work next week,
I don’t have an appointment with my therapist since I am seeing him as needed. I emailed him the dragon slayer story. He suggested that I should invite the dragon in for tea. When he starts saying I am worthless, a failure, no good, I will argue with evidence to prove that is not true, I wrote something, listing some of my qualities. I can’t get out of the values assignment.
Dragon silhouette
I saw an ad on Linked In for a site called Share Well, sharewellnow.com It is a site for hosting video support groups. I went to one on depression tonight. It was pretty good. After you go to one, you can sign up to host. I made one for psychosis and/or mood disorders for the 15th. I am going out of town the 6/8-6/14. I set it for one hour. I am hoping people want to talk but I will prepare some things in case I need. They are free sessions. If you are an expert, you can charge people to attend.
I went to a family gathering, my husband’s side. I went off by myself quite a bit. His family is friendly, no one was bothering me, I just did not feel social. At one point I left and sat in the car just to get away.
My car airbag light turned on. We had to get it fixed at the dealership $1000. I was not sure if we should get a new car but my husband pointed out that we can’t sell a car like that. I do want a newer car, but everything is so expensive right now.
Image: dinosandcomics cartoon I hate leaving the house, why are you here then, well…, I have to have something to talk to my therapist about
I started seeing a new therapist when my insurance changed in January. He started spacing our sessions further apart because I am doing well and run out of things to say. Last month he told me he thinks I just need to see him, as needed, and to contact him if I need an appointment.
I don’t know what to think. I am happy I am doing well but did not know I could finish, with a chronic mental health condition. I do like checking in with someone but I have a psychiatrist and support group and people around me.
When I ask people about it they think I am unhappy and tell me to speak up, but that is not the issue. I am unsure how I feel. I am getting used to the idea now.
I also changed psychiatrist with the insurance change. But, I am having more insurance issues. He is part of a medical group that is covered but they are not recognizing him in their system. They covered the first appointment but denied the second. I filed a grievance and the psychiatrist office says it will be taken care of. It still makes me nervous.
Work is going fine. I work 2 days and they hired someone to work the other 3. I was wondering what he was doing. Work would be piled up for me when I came in. I just found out he has not been working there for over a month I feel silly for not knowing, but no one told me.
Weight watchers is going fine. I had a birthday and celebrated with some desserts. My weight has been going up and down but at least it I have not be gained. I am getting back at it. I got a recipe book when I signed up and have made a few recipes. I made slow cooked oats with fruit and a hash brown and egg meal. I have coconut milk yogurt cooking overnight. I plugged in a blueberry muffin recipe and it is 6 pts which is okay for a treat but I have to limit to one.
My health insurance changed in January. My primary care is the same, but I had to get a new therapist in January. I was approved continuation of care with my psychiatrist, but that fell throug, so I had to find a new psychiatrist, too.
I saw the new psychiatrist on Thursday. Fortunately, he did not want to change my medications. I have been on this combo for years. A friend had recommended a different doctor in the practice but he was booked up so they assigned me to this one. I googled and found him but did not get much information. He seems nice. He ordered refills. Our next appointment is over the phone next month.
I like my new therapist. He makes me think. I asked him what he meant by that article on brain hemispheres and he said just that you can change your thinking at any age.
My daughter is 23 and lives with us. She graduated college last year and plans to get her teaching credential. But, she has not applied, yet. She is afraid to learn to drive and is afraid of Covid. She has a job at the library. We drive her back and forth, which is okay. She just goes to work and home and spends a lot of time in her room.
My therapist suggested we are enabling her to avoid self awareness, and how satisfying is her life if she is isolating? Another thing that is making me wonder. I don’t go out much myself and I feel content. It is not out of fear, I am just fine at home. I mentioned her at a support group and they said we are enabling by driving her and that she may stay home until in her 30s. I don’t know what to think. She seems fine, rarely complains. We did not get along for years and we are in an okay place now.
I don’t know what we should be doing, if anything.
I have joined an art journaling group. It meets once a month. The teacher is a therapist, but it is not therapy. She just charges a donation. She brings up a subject for inspiration. This week she wanted us to bring light to Ukraine. We worked with mandalas which is a circle. I like the way mine turned out. I am not artistic but it is still enjoyable.
Image: blue and yellow circles with yellow heart and sunflower in center. Words: hope, support, power of love
I also joined an online journaling group. It disappeared and I thought they weren’t going to have it anymore, but it is back at a different time. It is enjoyable, too.
i went to a conference today. There were 32 workshops..
the first i went to was on Borderline Personality Disorder. It was very informative and i learned a lot. The next was on support groups, that was good. There were a number of organizations represented.
the last one i went to was “ask the doctors” on schizophrenia. It was an open forum for people to comment, and ask questions. There were suggested questions on the screen.
one of the questions was, “what has worked for you?” I would have loved to hear the answers to that one.
one thing that worked for me, was talking to people with similar experiences, either on-line or in person. I went to dbsa support groups, nami connections and eventually started a group affiliated with the national organization, schizophrenia alliance. I don’t run the group anymore, but i am glad it is still going.
another thing, that is a little different, was when i was very troubled with auditory hallucinations, my psychiatrist found a way to communicate. He wrote words while he spoke, circling and crossing out important words.
no, one had asked what my experience was like when i had a psychotic break. They asked about symptoms, but not what were the voices saying or what the messages were. Not until i saw a therapist who seemed interested. It felt lke a relief to be able to tell my story.
i would love if anyone would share what has helped them
I won’t pretend to know what Nietzsche meant by “the abyss gazes into you”. The quote came to mind as I feel like I am at the edge of an abyss, gazing into the void. I feel empty. I am ashamed of who I am. If people knew who I really am they would turn away in disgust. I want to disappear.
I spoke of how sad I am. How I feel I have done terrible wrongs and should be banished, at a support group for mood disorders. The moderator talked about dbt and eventually got around to mindfulness. I have been trying that, but there are too many thoughts. It is hard to focus. Then he mentioned that my self-deprecating thoughts could be a symptom of borderline personality disorder.
That would have been fine, if he had a basis to suggest that, but he just pulled it out if thin air. I went home looking at the symptoms and anxious to talk to my therapist. I was a little anxious going in and very agitated by the end of the meeting. I had trouble getting any words in, it felt like a competition to speak.
I texted my therapist this morning and she wondered why he would have suggested that. She said my thoughts could go along with a number of diagnoses, including depression. And, I am depressed.
I usually find the meetings helpful, but lately I have been leaving feeling worse than when I came.
I get up and face my obligations, but I feel like hiding. “Fake it till you make it.” I never really liked that expression, but I am doing it.
I have not been feeling well. Depressed and anxious, a little paranoid. I decided to go to a support group. I was hoping I would feel better, sometimes I feel worse afterwards. Lately, I have been getting agitated and frustrated during support group meetings. I am not sure why. I wasn’t sure if i should go. I did not need to feel worse.
I was the first to share. I just let everything out. The suicidal thoughts, sadness, anxiety. I told them I was anxious about past work experience and now i have a new job and it is change and I am already upset about work. And, the past is never going to change.
Many people were depressed there. I listened to others and could feel the pain. I tried to give support. I could not express myself the way I would like.
This moderator tends to talk a lot. Sometimes, I find it annoying, but not that night. He seemed to get what i was saying and made sure i am safe. (I am). He and others validated my experience. No one seemed to get the unbearable shame I feel. The moderator tried explaining to me that the path you take leads you to where you are and that I would not be me if things were different. I knew what he meant, but it did not apply to what I was saying. Maybe, I was too vague.
I accepted the feedback and felt supported. I think I was understood about 80% and that has to be good enough. I did feel validated and heard.
Stronger Than You Think 