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bipolar Dysfunctional mental illness parenting Recovery schizoaffective Therapy trauma

Dysfunction Junction

My father had an undiagnosed mental illness, probably bipolar, but I did not know that at the time. He was just a moody, raging, jerk. People knew but no one wants to interfere. I remember we had an uncle who was physically abusive to his kids, maybe his wife, I don’t know. Everyone knew about it but nothing was done. We are all grown with families of our own now and the perps have died.

My mother is passive and anxious. She did not want to disturb anything. She would tell us our father was just joking and he is wonderful when he would say or do hurtful things.

My dad has passed and can’t hurt me anymore. My mom and I have a strained relationship. I don’t want to put any hope into it growing into more. But, we can be amicable and she does not upset me so much.

And, I had an older brother who had a psychotic disorder, maybe schizoaffective like me, but my dad did not believe in psychiatry so the only help he got was when he got picked up by the police for observation. He would stop any meds as soon as he got home. Nothing changed. He died young at 26. I don’t know if it was an accident or suicide. He fell at a waterfall. But, I felt I had lost my brother years before, when he first got sick.

Everyone else in my family is over it all. I don’t know if I should let it go or if I could heal.

I was watching a YouTube on dysfunctional “tricky” families and childhood ptsd. https://youtu.be/EBpF8sWycQQ

I could answer yes to almost everything and a few maybe’s. He suggests working with a therapist.

I have a new therapist. I don’t know what to work on. Day to day, things are okay. I kind of went through my family history with her last time.

Or should I be done with therapy? I am pretty stable and see a psychiatrist. Things in my day to day life are fine. My past is a mess, but maybe I should just leave it there. My father discouraged me from going to therapy. “You talk about the past and it just makes people sad.” I thought he was being ignorant. Of course, it is more than that. But, did he have a point?

I plan to ask my therapist next time I see her if she thinks I even need it.

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Therapy trauma

Trauma Llama ding-dong

I had an emotionally-psychologically abusive childhood. I am in a good place now, physically and mentally. My family, husband and children are wonderful. I feel safe when I am home.

I am seeing a new therapist. I have had one appointment. It went well. She has experience with trauma, that is why I sought her out. My childhood experiences negatively affect me today. I mentioned that I would like to work on that as one goal. I am nervous that it will be difficult but also looking forward to breaking free of some of these memories and thoughts that haunt me.

I just read @lavenderandlevity blog which is awesome and you should check it out. She mentioned the fear of going back to that hell. My main abuser has passed away and there is no way to crawl back if I needed. But, everyone seems to have forgot what it was like and have moved on. They praised him at his funeral. A man who thrived on breaking young wills. I did return to live there a few times during my adult life. It took it’s toll on me every time.

I do wonder, if it was possible, if I would choose to forget it all. I can’t. I have so many pent up emotions. I don’t know if they can hurt me anymore, but I don’t want to risk it.