I had therapy last week. I started seeing this therapist after the pandemic, so all my sessions have been virtual. I forget what she asked but I mentioned I remember mistakes from the past, 20, 30 years ago or more and they torment me. She wanted me to share but I am not comfortable with that. I feel such shame and they were mistakes that I feel are unforgivable. If I did not feel shame there would be something wrong. But, I don’t want to delve into them.
My father did not believe in mental health treatment even though schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar run in our family. When I started therapy he discouraged it saying talking about the past just makes everyone sad. I did not understand what he meant until now.
My therapist wants me to work on forgiving myself. I have to explain to her that some of these things are best kept hidden.
I have been able to stay alcohol free after my planned intoxication in April. My plan is sobriety until our wedding anniversary in October. It was pretty easy to get back to it.
I posted a link to an In Our Own Voice presentation I did for NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, in a different post. I have not been speaking much lately. I saw a different program by NAMI called VOICES. It is geared towards first responders. I signed up to be a speaker, but am having trouble figuring out where to start. My initial interaction with mental healthcare and police was not until I was 39, but since mental illness runs in my family that was not foreign.
My brother had a psychotic break in college at 20 (I was 15). He refused treatment and would get picked up by the police for 72 hour observational holds in the late 70s. His is a sad story. He was severely symptomatic for 6 years when he finally was placed on a different medication that he responded well to. But, he started becoming symptomatic again, paranoid, edgy, and probably needed his medication adjusted. He went to Yosemite while symptomatic and fell at a waterfall. I don’t know if it was accidental or not, but he died from the fall.
This is supposed to be a story of hope, but it is part of my story. If I had not seen him so ill for so long I may not have accepted treatment, but I did not want to be stuck in psychosis like he was. I think it is okay for first responders, but not sure if it will scare the general public who may be worrying about their own children.
My story is much different. I did go in and out of psychosis for 3 years, but I have been stable since 2006. I have not been hospitalized for 16 years. I am married, have healthy grown children, work part time. I still have some doubts about what was real from the past, but I can function.