I had therapy, virtual, on Wednesday. I went over what was going on in the present. Then my therapist started asking questions about when I was school age. Jr high and high school were not the best years of my life. I had a friend drop me in 8th grade to hang out with more popular friends. I had a boyfriend in high school who was very critical and was sometimes mean.
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My home life was horrific. My father had an undiagnosed, but quite obvious in hindsight, mental illness and my brother had a severe psychotic disorder. He was nice, just a bit scary to me. Everything was unpredictable. My dad would be fine one day and raging the next. I could not deal with being there so I spent most of my time out, with friends, drinking alcohol or smoking weed. I was very sad, and quiet.
After answering her questions she asked for my thoughts and I said they are discombobulated. I don’t know what to think. So, she told me to write down my discombobulated thoughts when they come to me. She used my own words but I don’t what she wants. I am going to email mon.
She gave me other homework. To write what you can gain from AA, without spirituality. That is easier for me. I belong to a secular AA Facebook group. I tried one meeting but I felt out of place and have not looked at others. I did think the accountability and recognition for time sober helped me. I have not gone to meetings lately but I am staying sober,
I know this is pretty trivial. People are dying. People are risking their lives. We just have to stay at home. I get it. It is just hard for a teenager.
My husband, daughter and I are handling the stay home order pretty well. My daughter has her college classes online and enjoys reading and watching shows . My husband and I still go to work. He is doing okay with this, I would stay at home most of the time anyways. The only one enjoying this is the dog. He loves having us here more often,
My son misses his friends. They talk online and play games, but it is not like being in person. He works for the rec dept and that is on hold. His classes are all online. He is having a hard time. I am sure the teachers are doing a great job, he just is a slow reader and learns by doing. He is an Eagle Scout and misses scout activities. He is involved with a Jewish teen group and he misses that. Sometimes he goes by himself for car rides just to get out.
I am at a loss for what to tell him. We have never gone through this before. I tell him it will end, we just don’t know when. I hope we are able to do something for his graduation.
I have a form of schizophrenia and people have been suggesting my fears are delusions, but some things are obviously true.
I am in the USA. Our president is playing games with state governors for medical equipment and supplies. If they don’t compliment, praise him in the media so he can win votes he won’t order supplies, He buys them up, or tells vendors not to sell to them. I am talking ppe and ventilators, test kits. Even if we have more tests available someone has to obtain sample and needs ppe. He has kept testing low to keep numbers of reported cases low and people don’t take the mitigation policies seriously.
He suggested that our elders and high risk people are expendable. Worth the “sacrifice” for Wall Street. Hospitals are deciding who should get first choice of ventilators, who not to resuscitate, They will choose to give up on the disabled. I don’t know where I fall in those discussions. I have loved ones that would die. All we can do is try to hide from the virus.
Our president only thinks of money and power, has no humanity, I feel helpless and the ones in power are moving really slowly. We let him become above the law.
His followers don’t care he is killing them and us. They are blinded. You would think when it is affecting you, personally, you would wake up, but no. There is so much propaganda, the media perpetuates it. He lies on tv and they still play it.
I feel like I am in a simulation (that is my mental illness) and just want it to end. I worry about myself and those around me. This virus is so infectious. I am in CA. Our governor says they predict over 50% of us over the year. I think it is inevitable I will catch it, just don’t know when. He also said maybe 12 more weeks of stay home order. People complain of boredom. If that is the main complaint that is ideal in a pandemic.
I just go to work and home. I work in a residential mental health facility. My views are my own not my employer, we need to put disclaimers. We take our temp before shift and resident vitals daily. So far the residents are restless but healthy. It is an 80 bed facility. It would be a disaster if we get an outbreak. No visitors, no packages, stay on site.
I am scared. I try to distract myself. I watch tv shows and go on social media. I do not watch our president talk, it just makes me upset. Our governor is calming. It is bad news but I feel like he is a good leader. My mom and mother in law are high risk and stay inside. Mother in law is alone. she gets lonely. We call everyday but I wish we could do more. She has not figured out video meetings yet. I wish I could just go there and show her, but if I could we would not need it. My mom gets frustrated with technology,
My husband is still working, too. He works in communications for the school district. All teaching is online now, so that is important. He goes to grocery store and anything we need. I really don’t want him to get sick. There is a shortage of masks so they told us not to wear them. I think that recommendation will change soon, I see people say how to make them but it is too complicated for me.
My children are 18 and 21. My daughter is home from college and everything is online. My son is a senior in high school. It is hard from him being away from his friends. He is no longer working, youth sports, because it is cancelled. He interacts with his friends online or goes out for a drive alone.
I had a cold that turned into a sinus infection and saw a doc via telemedicine, I recommend highly. there are so many things that are now accommodated for and I hope that continues after this is all over.
I like Biden for President. He has compassion. I don’t care to debate. This is all my opinion,
Men keep sliding into my DMs. I am not used to this. I am happily married,. I can follow on social media without messaging. It makes me uncomfortable. You can message me anything important, like how to protect myself and others, but I won’t respond generally to chit chat.
Growing up, it seemed like most things came with strings attached. I was acceptable as long as I behaved well. If you borrowed money, you were indebted forever and constantly reminded.
It was not until I got married that I felt unconditional love. My husband did not react unkindly if I made a mistake. It was okay to be human. No one was keeping score. Then, when I had children, I felt it again. And of course, my dog loves me and is always happy to see me,
I love my family. If it is possible, I may tell them too often that I love them.
My husband is wonderful. He did not sign up to be married to a woman with a mental illness. I was diagnosed 7 years into our marriage. He has stuck with and put up with me. I am so happy we found each other.
My son tells us he loves us even more than I do. He is a hugger and an all around nice person. My daughter is more reserved. She is great too, just quieter. I think she likes us. She loves the dog. We all do,
Valentine’s Day is coming up. We don’t really celebrate. My favorite day is Feb 15, when the candy is on sale.
I have issues with my family of origin, but my little family (husband and 2 children + our dog) is very important to me. Thankfully, we are all doing well.
I worried about how having a mental illness would affect my children, but they are grown now and are great people. I grew up in fear and I am so happy they are not afraid of me.
In my last post I talked about my childhood and how could my parents have thought that was an okay environment. They thought they were superior to others, even.
I know everyone has flaws and maybe combined they had very poor judgement and blind spots. They weren’t intentionally so hurtful.
I do want to find a way past this. I thought I had. I posted about having compassion and forgiving. I still have some more work to do.
My daughter moved into the dorms for her first year in college yesterday. We talked about that for a while. It is bittersweet. I am very happy for her, but it does feel different with an empty room. I got shaky when I was moving her in. I don’t think it was the lifting, but anxiety. There were so many people.
Once we got all of her stuff in her room, I said goodbye. My husband and son took her shopping for a few last things, and had lunch in the cafeteria. I would not have been able to eat.
I told therapist about the shaking. I was still doing it today. In the room my son was telling me to breathe in my nose and out my mouth to try to help. He is sweet. I told her when I came home from the last visit I was unsure how I felt. We had talked about the past, growing up, and it was uncomfortable. She asked me what I needed and I said some acknowledgement that parts sucked. The unpredictability.
I tried to be invisible and would do what I was told at home and keep a low profile, and stay away from home when i could. I told her i got into trouble with drugs and my boyfriend, but my parents were too preoccupied to notice or care. She thought that would upset me, that i went unnoticed, but it was my plan.
At one point I told my therapist I was “pulling back”. I guess I was dissociating. I was there but numb to any emotions.
i mentioned how once my mom was talking about my niece, saying really nice things. She brought up my daughter, for some reason, saying she is not the same or something. I said, i know and was agreeing with her, and said that my daughter is really good, but she is different. Then my mother said, ” well, I thought you were good, too.” It really bothered me because I thought she was insinuating my daughter might be up to something she isn’t. My therapist said, ” I don’t know what to say to that. There are so many levels.” And it came out of the blue when my mom said it.
This is so hard. My father is gone. My mom has changed some, for the better.
My therapist said, parents do what they can for their children, unless they are sociopaths, and that mine did not know how to do things differently, is that fair? I squirmed with that. Not the sociopath part. I know they did things the way they thought was the best. I don’t understand how they could think some things were okay to do, let alone good. if I can get past this it might be a breakthrough.
My dad once discouraged me from therapy, because he said you talk about the past and it makes you sad. As far as i know he had never had any therapy and I shrugged it off, but here I am. Talking about the past and feeling sad.
I told her when I came home from the last visit I was unsure how I felt. We had talked about the past, growing up, and it was uncomfortable. She asked me what I needed and I said some acknowledgement that parts sucked. The unpredictability.
Stronger Than You Think 