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anxiety disability eugenics motherhood pandemic politics relationships schizoaffective schizophrenia virtual doctor

My government is trying to kill me and other news

I have a form of schizophrenia and people have been suggesting my fears are delusions, but some things are obviously true.

I am in the USA. Our president is playing games with state governors for medical equipment and supplies. If they don’t compliment, praise him in the media so he can win votes he won’t order supplies, He buys them up, or tells vendors not to sell to them. I am talking ppe and ventilators, test kits. Even if we have more tests available someone has to obtain sample and needs ppe. He has kept testing low to keep numbers of reported cases low and people don’t take the mitigation policies seriously.

He suggested that our elders and high risk people are expendable. Worth the “sacrifice” for Wall Street. Hospitals are deciding who should get first choice of ventilators, who not to resuscitate, They will choose to give up on the disabled. I don’t know where I fall in those discussions. I have loved ones that would die. All we can do is try to hide from the virus.

Our president only thinks of money and power, has no humanity, I feel helpless and the ones in power are moving really slowly. We let him become above the law.

His followers don’t care he is killing them and us. They are blinded. You would think when it is affecting you, personally, you would wake up, but no. There is so much propaganda, the media perpetuates it. He lies on tv and they still play it.

I feel like I am in a simulation (that is my mental illness) and just want it to end. I worry about myself and those around me. This virus is so infectious. I am in CA. Our governor says they predict over 50% of us over the year. I think it is inevitable I will catch it, just don’t know when. He also said maybe 12 more weeks of stay home order. People complain of boredom. If that is the main complaint that is ideal in a pandemic.

I just go to work and home. I work in a residential mental health facility. My views are my own not my employer, we need to put disclaimers. We take our temp before shift and resident vitals daily. So far the residents are restless but healthy. It is an 80 bed facility. It would be a disaster if we get an outbreak. No visitors, no packages, stay on site.

I am scared. I try to distract myself. I watch tv shows and go on social media. I do not watch our president talk, it just makes me upset. Our governor is calming. It is bad news but I feel like he is a good leader. My mom and mother in law are high risk and stay inside. Mother in law is alone. she gets lonely. We call everyday but I wish we could do more. She has not figured out video meetings yet. I wish I could just go there and show her, but if I could we would not need it. My mom gets frustrated with technology,

My husband is still working, too. He works in communications for the school district. All teaching is online now, so that is important. He goes to grocery store and anything we need. I really don’t want him to get sick. There is a shortage of masks so they told us not to wear them. I think that recommendation will change soon, I see people say how to make them but it is too complicated for me.

My children are 18 and 21. My daughter is home from college and everything is online. My son is a senior in high school. It is hard from him being away from his friends. He is no longer working, youth sports, because it is cancelled. He interacts with his friends online or goes out for a drive alone.

I had a cold that turned into a sinus infection and saw a doc via telemedicine, I recommend highly. there are so many things that are now accommodated for and I hope that continues after this is all over.

I like Biden for President. He has compassion. I don’t care to debate. This is all my opinion,

Men keep sliding into my DMs. I am not used to this. I am happily married,. I can follow on social media without messaging. It makes me uncomfortable. You can message me anything important, like how to protect myself and others, but I won’t respond generally to chit chat.

Categories
love Valentine’s Day

So many good “L” words

Laughter, life, listen.

I am choosing Love

I love my family. If it is possible, I may tell them too often that I love them.

My husband is wonderful. He did not sign up to be married to a woman with a mental illness. I was diagnosed 7 years into our marriage. He has stuck with and put up with me. I am so happy we found each other.

My son tells us he loves us even more than I do. He is a hugger and an all around nice person. My daughter is more reserved. She is great too, just quieter. I think she likes us. She loves the dog. We all do,

Valentine’s Day is coming up. We don’t really celebrate. My favorite day is Feb 15, when the candy is on sale.

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Therapy trauma

Trauma Llama ding-dong

I had an emotionally-psychologically abusive childhood. I am in a good place now, physically and mentally. My family, husband and children are wonderful. I feel safe when I am home.

I am seeing a new therapist. I have had one appointment. It went well. She has experience with trauma, that is why I sought her out. My childhood experiences negatively affect me today. I mentioned that I would like to work on that as one goal. I am nervous that it will be difficult but also looking forward to breaking free of some of these memories and thoughts that haunt me.

I just read @lavenderandlevity blog which is awesome and you should check it out. She mentioned the fear of going back to that hell. My main abuser has passed away and there is no way to crawl back if I needed. But, everyone seems to have forgot what it was like and have moved on. They praised him at his funeral. A man who thrived on breaking young wills. I did return to live there a few times during my adult life. It took it’s toll on me every time.

I do wonder, if it was possible, if I would choose to forget it all. I can’t. I have so many pent up emotions. I don’t know if they can hurt me anymore, but I don’t want to risk it.

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Uncategorized

B is for Belonging

I struggle with feeling like I belong anywhere. My favorite times have been when I felt included in a group and not ignored. At work, often I am not included in potlucks or parties. Maybe it is because I work part time and people don’t know me well.  I don’t mind.

I do wish I had just one person to be friends with. Everyone is friendly to me but I have no one to talk with.

 

Categories
Forgiveness mental illness relationships Uncategorized

My Story of Forgiveness

Originally published PsychCentral

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/triple-winner/2017/07/my-story-of-forgiveness-and-mental-illness/

forgiveness-1767432_1280

My mother came to visit recently. We have a past issue between us, that I have not been able to forgive. It has to do with when my brother was very symptomatic with a mental illness during my teen years. I have avoided talking about it. She always seems to want to keep to light, happy news and it never seemed appropriate,

She has changed lately. Become a little more down to earth. She brought the issue up on her own and told me of one thing she had done over those years. She had checked out housing for my brother, and told me that she had done all she could. She believes she did everything. I don’t think I did everything. I feel we failed him.

The best thing I can do is let go of the resentment. I will also have to work on forgiving myself another time.

It is hard for me, but, as Lily Tomlin says, “Forgiving is giving up all hope for a better past.”

I think it will help me mentally to not have this bitterness inside and forgiving can protect against the tolls of stress.1

I am trying to have compassion for how my mother must have viewed things. I know she has a lot of anxiety. Maybe, she did/does feel helpless.

There was a lot I did not understand at the time, and still don’t. Mostly, I feel guilty that I had a second chance after a breakdown that did not happen for my brother.

I still have some bitterness. I am a work in progress and forgiveness will take time.

The rest of my siblings have moved on. Maybe things did not trouble them as much or they are more forgiving.

I am hoping to build happier memories with my mother in the future.

She wouldn’t understand if I said it to her, “For what?” but “Mom, I forgive you”.

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Forgiveness Uncategorized

Learning to Forgive

I was recently working on a blog post about forgiving my mother about past resentments. (I will post it here soon).

When I showed it to a few people they made comments that it was too harsh and that I sounded bitter. I had attempted to find compassion, but somehow in trying to explain “my side of the story”, I lost sight of my goal.

When I pulled back and tried to understand how she may have felt at the time, it made it easier. “I forgive you”‘ isn’t anything I can actually say to her. She doesn’t believe there is anything to forgive. She may be right.

I do feel lighter. I finally have some closure.

 

 

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13 reasons why depression Hotline Responsibility suicide Uncategorized

Suicidal Thoughts, Depression and 13 Reasons Why

Originally posted on PsychCentral

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/triple-winner/2017/06/suicidal-thoughts-depression-and-13-reasons-why/

I watched “13 Reasons Why” recently and it got me thinking about my own suicidal thoughts.

suicideprevention

(I am trying not to spoil it too much, but if you are waiting to watch it you may want to hold off reading)

I was an unhappy teen and had some suicidal thoughts but they were passing and I never acted on them.

I have only had one time where I had a plan. It wasn’t very long ago. I had a method and a date picked out. It wasn’t that I wanted to die. I felt like I was a burden and a failure. I didn’t want to exist. But, part of me wanted to live. I told people my plans, and eventually turned over my means to my husband for safe keeping.

But, the thing about having made a plan is that it is still there in my mind. Sometimes, I think of it. Like it is unfinished business.

The show did not delve into the girl, Hannah’s, mental state. The story is from her view and focuses on how others affected her. It touches on many topics and should spur discussions on suicide and prevention.

I liked it. One thing I did not like was that they depicted her committing suicide. They had warnings that there were graphic and disturbing images. What bothers me is that it shows you how. I know you can google anything, and it isn’t new information, but I don’t think it needs to be shown. Just my opinion.

Older adults have higher rates of suicide than teens and young adults and it is the 10th leading cause of death overall.1 Suicide is the second leading cause of death of teens and adolescents. The rates have been climbing yearly.2

There is hope and help. The show seems to send the message that kindness and friendships can keep one from going down that path. But, there are other kinds of help. There are help lines, therapists, psychiatrists. Antidepressant and other types of medications can help pull you out of a dark place.

The series also makes a point about personal responsibility. If one person had cared enough Hannah felt she would not had made that decision. I don’t know how I feel about that. Survivor’s usually have guilt already, wondering what they could have done differently.

I am glad I did not go through with my plan. I would hate to put my family through that and I am happy to be here today.

Crisis Line:

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide,
call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

  1. https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/
  2. http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/suicide
Categories
CBT DBT distorted thinking relationships Uncategorized

A pause from automatic thinking

My husband was grumpy and moody over the weekend. I automatically go to being a frightened child thinking I did something wrong and am 100% to blame. That I am guilty and have to fix things.

I started assuming what could be wrong. I thought maybe he was resentful about housework, so I took care of some chores. As time went on, I wondered how to talk with him.

I didn’t want to be confrontational. When I asked if he was mad he would deflect it with a joke.

Finally, when we both had free time in the evening i asked to speak with him. He seemed like he was ready to defend himself. But, I just said “You seem unhappy. Is something bothering you?” I did it! I could talk like an adult and not cower down.

He says he is just a grumpy old man and not unhappy. Nothing is bothering him. He seems sincere.

So, presto, problem solved- I guess. I was worrying about nothing it seems.

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Bloggingfundamentals Daily prompt life lessons relationships Symbiosis Uncategorized

Symbiosis- Daily Prompt

Symbiosis

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When I read the word, my first thought was ‘lichen’, the part fungus, part algae that grows on rocks, i knew they were somehow interdependent. But, when I actually investigated (googled) I found the word means a relationship between organisms that live closely together. So yes lichen, but, much more.

Dependence on each other in a relationship has been coined “symbiotic love”. This is natural at first, when you gaze into each other’s eyes and share yiur similarities. But, you don’t want to lose yourself.

It can be cute and sweet when couple’s know each other so well they can finsh each other’s sentences, or it can be frightening that they aren’t individuals anymore.

Mutualism is another type of symbiotic relationship. Is this type each gain, but they aren’t dependent on each other. Clown fish snd sea anemones have a mutualistic relationship. They help each other and live close together, but are seperate

Be a clown fish, not a lichen!

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