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My government is trying to kill me and other news

I have a form of schizophrenia and people have been suggesting my fears are delusions, but some things are obviously true.

I am in the USA. Our president is playing games with state governors for medical equipment and supplies. If they don’t compliment, praise him in the media so he can win votes he won’t order supplies, He buys them up, or tells vendors not to sell to them. I am talking ppe and ventilators, test kits. Even if we have more tests available someone has to obtain sample and needs ppe. He has kept testing low to keep numbers of reported cases low and people don’t take the mitigation policies seriously.

He suggested that our elders and high risk people are expendable. Worth the “sacrifice” for Wall Street. Hospitals are deciding who should get first choice of ventilators, who not to resuscitate, They will choose to give up on the disabled. I don’t know where I fall in those discussions. I have loved ones that would die. All we can do is try to hide from the virus.

Our president only thinks of money and power, has no humanity, I feel helpless and the ones in power are moving really slowly. We let him become above the law.

His followers don’t care he is killing them and us. They are blinded. You would think when it is affecting you, personally, you would wake up, but no. There is so much propaganda, the media perpetuates it. He lies on tv and they still play it.

I feel like I am in a simulation (that is my mental illness) and just want it to end. I worry about myself and those around me. This virus is so infectious. I am in CA. Our governor says they predict over 50% of us over the year. I think it is inevitable I will catch it, just don’t know when. He also said maybe 12 more weeks of stay home order. People complain of boredom. If that is the main complaint that is ideal in a pandemic.

I just go to work and home. I work in a residential mental health facility. My views are my own not my employer, we need to put disclaimers. We take our temp before shift and resident vitals daily. So far the residents are restless but healthy. It is an 80 bed facility. It would be a disaster if we get an outbreak. No visitors, no packages, stay on site.

I am scared. I try to distract myself. I watch tv shows and go on social media. I do not watch our president talk, it just makes me upset. Our governor is calming. It is bad news but I feel like he is a good leader. My mom and mother in law are high risk and stay inside. Mother in law is alone. she gets lonely. We call everyday but I wish we could do more. She has not figured out video meetings yet. I wish I could just go there and show her, but if I could we would not need it. My mom gets frustrated with technology,

My husband is still working, too. He works in communications for the school district. All teaching is online now, so that is important. He goes to grocery store and anything we need. I really don’t want him to get sick. There is a shortage of masks so they told us not to wear them. I think that recommendation will change soon, I see people say how to make them but it is too complicated for me.

My children are 18 and 21. My daughter is home from college and everything is online. My son is a senior in high school. It is hard from him being away from his friends. He is no longer working, youth sports, because it is cancelled. He interacts with his friends online or goes out for a drive alone.

I had a cold that turned into a sinus infection and saw a doc via telemedicine, I recommend highly. there are so many things that are now accommodated for and I hope that continues after this is all over.

I like Biden for President. He has compassion. I don’t care to debate. This is all my opinion,

Men keep sliding into my DMs. I am not used to this. I am happily married,. I can follow on social media without messaging. It makes me uncomfortable. You can message me anything important, like how to protect myself and others, but I won’t respond generally to chit chat.

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corona virus pandemic psychosis schizoaffective schizophrenia

When Psychotic disorders and Pandemics Collide

I have been stable without any major psychotic symptoms for 15 years. I have not been hospitalized since 2005. This week my head is spinning.

I don’t know whether the pandemic is a delusion, everyone tells me it is real, if people are playing tricks on me. I only have what I get on social media, I am staying home except for essentials. Part of me thinks this whole thing was planned but got bungled

I talk to my family and people online. They tell me it was a mutation of a virus. Natural. That I should keep staying home and washing hands. I am scared. Had a cold that turned into a sinus infection that is mostly cleared up. My dr okayed for me to go back to work mon. Now, that i am physically ready I am not sure about mentally.

I am terrified I will get sick and inadvertently cause an outbreak at work or home. I am not sick now. Called my psychiatrist and left a message, hopefully I can talk with him mon. I had just scaled back on therapy because things were going well. I contacted and will make phone appointment

People tell me to stay away from social media, but how would I have known about this. I want to be informed. I feel dizzy. Maybe I am hyperventilating I am anxious.

I walked the dog with my husband keeping distance from others. I ordered a #cameo from a great comedian @DarrenCarter

My plan is to go into work mon until I talk to psychiatrist to get his thoughts. So, this weekend is staying close to home, which I do anyways,

I am scared

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bipolar Dysfunctional mental illness parenting Recovery schizoaffective Therapy trauma

Dysfunction Junction

My father had an undiagnosed mental illness, probably bipolar, but I did not know that at the time. He was just a moody, raging, jerk. People knew but no one wants to interfere. I remember we had an uncle who was physically abusive to his kids, maybe his wife, I don’t know. Everyone knew about it but nothing was done. We are all grown with families of our own now and the perps have died.

My mother is passive and anxious. She did not want to disturb anything. She would tell us our father was just joking and he is wonderful when he would say or do hurtful things.

My dad has passed and can’t hurt me anymore. My mom and I have a strained relationship. I don’t want to put any hope into it growing into more. But, we can be amicable and she does not upset me so much.

And, I had an older brother who had a psychotic disorder, maybe schizoaffective like me, but my dad did not believe in psychiatry so the only help he got was when he got picked up by the police for observation. He would stop any meds as soon as he got home. Nothing changed. He died young at 26. I don’t know if it was an accident or suicide. He fell at a waterfall. But, I felt I had lost my brother years before, when he first got sick.

Everyone else in my family is over it all. I don’t know if I should let it go or if I could heal.

I was watching a YouTube on dysfunctional “tricky” families and childhood ptsd. https://youtu.be/EBpF8sWycQQ

I could answer yes to almost everything and a few maybe’s. He suggests working with a therapist.

I have a new therapist. I don’t know what to work on. Day to day, things are okay. I kind of went through my family history with her last time.

Or should I be done with therapy? I am pretty stable and see a psychiatrist. Things in my day to day life are fine. My past is a mess, but maybe I should just leave it there. My father discouraged me from going to therapy. “You talk about the past and it just makes people sad.” I thought he was being ignorant. Of course, it is more than that. But, did he have a point?

I plan to ask my therapist next time I see her if she thinks I even need it.

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Inner demons mental illness Responsibility schizoaffective schizophrenia Therapy Uncategorized

Inner Demons

I have shame about past behavior. I am not ready to disclose to anyone. I have a therapist but am not able to tell. I won’t repeat or get in that situation again.

I don’t know if any or all is related to mental illness. Probably some

I lied, sometimes for no reason. I did not ask for help when I was in over my head, for fear. I am not sure why I was afraid.

I regret things that happened 20 years or more ago. But I re-live it like it is today.

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T is for tagline

What would an Orange County housewife be without a tagline. I am a Bravo TV fan and watch the housewife shows.

I am having trouble coming up with anything original. There are a few quotes I like.

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”

Camus

or

“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most”

Mark Twain

 

Maybe something along the lines of:

Schizoaffective disorder does not define me, but it has a strong presence in everything I do.

 

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alphabet game bipolar schizoaffective schizophrenia

Schizoaffective Disorder

I was not sure what to choose for an “S” word, but this disorder affects my whole life. Also, most people have never heard of it.

Schizoaffective is basically a combination of a thought disorder, like schizophrenia and a mood disorder, like bipolar. There is controversy about the diagnosis. It can resemble bipolar with psychotic features except you have weeks of psychotic symptoms while not in a mood state (manic or depressed). Or, it can seem like schizophrenia with depression. There are 2 types, bipolar type and depressive type. I have the bipolar type and have had mania.

I had years of psychotic symptoms, it was either a long episode with periods of insight and lucidity, or a number of relapses. It all is rolled together in my mind. But, once I got on a good medication cocktail (I take several types), I have not had the severe symptoms. Now, I am more troubled by fatigue, anxiety and milder depressions.

Prognosis varies. I am married, have children, work part time. I had a psychotic break at 39. I know nothing about dating with a diagnosis or pregnancy and psych meds. Mental illnesses can be hard on marriages. We were married for 7 years before I was diagnosed. Fortunately, my husband is supportive and understanding.

I see a psychiatrist, a therapist, and go to a support group for mood disorders. Some good resources can be found through the National Alliance for Mental Illness NAMI.org and depression and bipolar support alliance dbsa.org.

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Quiet

I like places that are peaceful and quiet. I would rather be alone than at a party.

When I was younger, I would barely speak. They called me shy. I have social anxiety. Now, I can speak in front of groups, although I still shake, but it took a lot of work. I am typically a bundle of nerves. I have a number of coping skills. They all help a little, and it adds up.

I have a list of different coping methods here:

https://lorib.blog/2017/03/20/coping-with-schizoaffective-disorder/

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Neurotransmitters

I don’t understand them well, but neurotransmitters rule my life. Too much dopamine and I get psychotic. Too little serotonin and I am depressed. Along with others like glutamate it is a delicate balance

I take medications and supplements to help restore the balance. They seem to be working. If only they did not come with side effects. My mouth is constantly dry to the point it is hard to talk. I usually carry a bottle of water everywhere. I am chronically fatigued which I believe is due in part to my medications. It is definitely worth those side effects to be functional

Chemical imbalance is one theory for mental illness. In my case it makes sense to me.

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bipolar life lessons Recovery schizoaffective schizophrenia Uncategorized

A Doodle of How I Feel

I am not good at drawing, but I doodled a picture of how I feel.  It is me with my hands on my ears with thoughts racing a million miles a minute. Yelling Stop in my head.

face2

But, to the world around me, I seem fine.

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The Gift

I go to a support group for people with mood disorders.  Moods are part of schizoaffective disorder. The moderator likes to refer to our illness as a ‘gift’. Like we have special powers. He believes he is more creative, has deeper feelings, and I don’t know what else. He even said he would not take a cure if he would lose these things.  He is definitely pro-med, pro-treatment. He also sees more positives than I do.

If there was a cure, I would jump at the chance.  The bad things, far outweigh any benefits. If this is a gift I want to return it.gift3